Did it

I did it, I finally cut myself, again. At least this time I used a knife. Only this time there was no instant gratification that I could feel another emotion, it was just pain...so I'm not going to do it again. Wasn't that great. I remember the feeling of euphoria when I first started years ago, now, I feel cheated. I feel like I've done something bad and am going to be punished for it. But by who and how I don't know.

All I have to do now is wait and see how mum reacts, maybe that's what this whole thing is about, the shock factor? Seeing how far I will go, but seeing as how I don't really feel like doing it again, I guess not. I just need an outlet and this isn't the way for me.

Till Next Time....

Sleep

It's so hard to sort anything out when you can't sleep, when your conscious mind wont shut off long enough for your subconscious mind to begin processing! It's not fair I tell you, and it is beginning to drive me utterly mad!

I should be sleeping at this ungodly hour, not tossing and turning still finding it useless to even try and get some sleep. I need something, a drug of some sort to knock me out so I can manage seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. From where I'm sitting, curled up on a couch with the stars for company, I'm not getting those hours.

My mind is whirring and grinding and flipping over this idea and that, constant and non-stop. It's like a broken record at some points, wondering why someone thought that self harm was bad, why can't a few cuts be good? Why can't I ever think, 'the consequences be damned' and do something that I'm itching to do. BEcause right now, I'm itching, I'm twitching towards the sharpness of it all and it disturbs me because right now I don't care about the consequences, but I must enough to not do anything.

I just want some sleep...

It helps

I think it's going to help me more if I can keep blogging, no one else needs to know about this place and I can just pretend that I'm writing to an audience that cares. Simple as that really.

Had an alright day today considering I took my meds a bit later than I should, but that was alright, could've cut off with the chocolate though...little bit too much I think. (How can you have too much chocolate! BAH!)

I'm currently enjoying the quiet of the house, everyone else has gone somewhere and I don't really care where. All I can hear is the typing of my fingers, the heater running keeping this place lovely and warm and the occasional traffic from outside, which is great for me since I have the worst headache imaginable! Not really, but at the moment it feels like it.

I have the best physio in the world! He cut my mum's appointment short to work on my neck because of said headache, it helped for a bit but thankfully I'm booked in for a proper rub and manip next week, fingers crossed he keeps the needles away!

I've felt kinda disjointed today, not really sure how I'm supposed to feel towards that but it's the truth, nothing seems to phase me much, either I'm too involved with my thoughts or I'm too hyper-happy, mum can't figure me out which I don't mind at all. Also, I'm stopping Jenny Craig for a few weeks, one less pressure on my shoulders, which doesn't give me free reign to just gorge myself on anything I want, even if I think it should lol

Off to make some phone calls,

Till Next Time...

xx

New growth

It seems that my avoidance of the issues aren't helping still. I should've just been honest with John and perhaps I could've been over all this by now. But I'm not.I'm falling further and further behind and I'm slowly getting worse and worse with my temper and my frustration in everyday things. I've sought help though. I've taken the first step and asked for the help that I need.

After talking with the doctor it's really come to light that my fear of loosing mum could be the core of all my problems. Most people have already gone through the separation from their parents by 18-19 some by 20. But I'm now 23 and I've barely even begun. So new month, one step at a time process I'm going to achieve it. I'm going to make this a permanent and workable process that won't cause me too much anxiety along the way. Saying that, just thinking about it is making my heart race and my fears start to bubble up from my stomach.

Will wants him and I to have a healthy adult relationship when he gets here, but he knows that's not going to happen unless I make the move myself. So I have to, for the benefit of my own life and my relationship I need to work this out. I need this.

Till Next Time...

xx