Did it

I did it, I finally cut myself, again. At least this time I used a knife. Only this time there was no instant gratification that I could feel another emotion, it was just pain...so I'm not going to do it again. Wasn't that great. I remember the feeling of euphoria when I first started years ago, now, I feel cheated. I feel like I've done something bad and am going to be punished for it. But by who and how I don't know.

All I have to do now is wait and see how mum reacts, maybe that's what this whole thing is about, the shock factor? Seeing how far I will go, but seeing as how I don't really feel like doing it again, I guess not. I just need an outlet and this isn't the way for me.

Till Next Time....

Sleep

It's so hard to sort anything out when you can't sleep, when your conscious mind wont shut off long enough for your subconscious mind to begin processing! It's not fair I tell you, and it is beginning to drive me utterly mad!

I should be sleeping at this ungodly hour, not tossing and turning still finding it useless to even try and get some sleep. I need something, a drug of some sort to knock me out so I can manage seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. From where I'm sitting, curled up on a couch with the stars for company, I'm not getting those hours.

My mind is whirring and grinding and flipping over this idea and that, constant and non-stop. It's like a broken record at some points, wondering why someone thought that self harm was bad, why can't a few cuts be good? Why can't I ever think, 'the consequences be damned' and do something that I'm itching to do. BEcause right now, I'm itching, I'm twitching towards the sharpness of it all and it disturbs me because right now I don't care about the consequences, but I must enough to not do anything.

I just want some sleep...

It helps

I think it's going to help me more if I can keep blogging, no one else needs to know about this place and I can just pretend that I'm writing to an audience that cares. Simple as that really.

Had an alright day today considering I took my meds a bit later than I should, but that was alright, could've cut off with the chocolate though...little bit too much I think. (How can you have too much chocolate! BAH!)

I'm currently enjoying the quiet of the house, everyone else has gone somewhere and I don't really care where. All I can hear is the typing of my fingers, the heater running keeping this place lovely and warm and the occasional traffic from outside, which is great for me since I have the worst headache imaginable! Not really, but at the moment it feels like it.

I have the best physio in the world! He cut my mum's appointment short to work on my neck because of said headache, it helped for a bit but thankfully I'm booked in for a proper rub and manip next week, fingers crossed he keeps the needles away!

I've felt kinda disjointed today, not really sure how I'm supposed to feel towards that but it's the truth, nothing seems to phase me much, either I'm too involved with my thoughts or I'm too hyper-happy, mum can't figure me out which I don't mind at all. Also, I'm stopping Jenny Craig for a few weeks, one less pressure on my shoulders, which doesn't give me free reign to just gorge myself on anything I want, even if I think it should lol

Off to make some phone calls,

Till Next Time...

xx

New growth

It seems that my avoidance of the issues aren't helping still. I should've just been honest with John and perhaps I could've been over all this by now. But I'm not.I'm falling further and further behind and I'm slowly getting worse and worse with my temper and my frustration in everyday things. I've sought help though. I've taken the first step and asked for the help that I need.

After talking with the doctor it's really come to light that my fear of loosing mum could be the core of all my problems. Most people have already gone through the separation from their parents by 18-19 some by 20. But I'm now 23 and I've barely even begun. So new month, one step at a time process I'm going to achieve it. I'm going to make this a permanent and workable process that won't cause me too much anxiety along the way. Saying that, just thinking about it is making my heart race and my fears start to bubble up from my stomach.

Will wants him and I to have a healthy adult relationship when he gets here, but he knows that's not going to happen unless I make the move myself. So I have to, for the benefit of my own life and my relationship I need to work this out. I need this.

Till Next Time...

xx

Ventation

I hate this, I hate it all. I want to rage and scream against everything but really there's nothing to scream against. Everything that I want is bad for me, everything I want to nibble on and munch on and savour is short lived and bad for me. I shouldn't be so angry and upset about not being able to eat them but I am. I want to be able to eat them to my hearts content, but I know I'm not going to get anything out of it. I'm not going to get healthy, but what I want is a quick fix for once.

What's wrong with wanting a quick fix for once? What is so wrong with wanting someone else to handle it and to have it all happen NOW! I don't want the pain and hardship that comes with a long slow weight loss program, I want to see immediate results. Every time I want something I have to wait, I have to wait to go places, see movies, eat things. I have to wait to have the love of my life in my arms! I fully understand that life isn't meant to be easy or anything, but perhaps just once it could run my way!

I'm so angry at the moment, at so many people and so many things. I want to yell and scream and curse them all but it does nothing for me but to make me angrier and more stressed out. Why can't my point of view be seen for once? I'm tired of seeing it through others eyes, through another's thought process. It's exhausting always having to put other's before me. I'm tired as hell already thinking about what I'm supposed to say and do and not hurt other feelings that when it comes time for myself, I'm too bloody tired to even think about it.

I am so tired all the time. I want to cry and scream and punch things, but I can't. It's not healthy. I'm not healthy. I'm not happy and I'm getting too tired to pretend otherwise anymore, I think other's have begun to see the cracks but just blame it on a miscalculation of medication, because what else could it be?

- I'm alone, my friend's don't want to hang out with me.

- Love of my life is in another country.

- I'm struggling through my uni course.

- I have no job, no means to support myself or pay my folks back.

- I have no car.

Yes, I am allowed to feel sorry for myself. Life has been shitting on me since I was thirteen and it hasn't let up since.

Till Next Time...

Silence

Being quiet sometimes feels like I'm suffocating. Being around so many people, so much time taken up with thinking why and how and who they are or what they're thinking...it's enough to drive someone crazy!

Lately it feels like I can't move without feeling myself bumping into an imaginary walls. I want to scream so loud, I want to cry and shake and rage against the world and my limitations. I want to reach towards to the sky and never give up but I feel trapped on this level, I feel trapped within this area of my life. I want more and more and yet I find myself tripping up and falling over more often then I should.

It's not right to feel so out of control and lost. I should know who I am by now, or at least have some sort of idea, but I don't. I know nothing and everything terrifies me. Somehow I need to find a way to reach myself again...somehow I need to find a way to be me.

Till Next Time... xx

Junk Food my enemy

Junk Food, my saviour!

I think the time is coming when I'm going to have to let go of my life saver, let go of one of the things that is holding me back. When my Mum was told she had developed Type 2 Diabetes I promised myself that I'd never let my health and my weight become to a point where I'd be scared that I was going to develop the disease myself. Twelve years later and I'm now scared every time I gain another kilo that I'm that one step closer to developing it. I need to change now, but I'm terrified. What would you do?

How do you break free of eight years of fear, eight years of eating because it made me feel good? I dont know what I'm going to do, but I know I need to do something, so if anyone does read this, please, help!

I don't want to just look good in clothes, I want to look great! I want to feel confident enough to do anything, but I know I'm holding myself back because I don't believe in myself. How does someone believe in themself when they think no one else does. Hell, I think everyone thinks badly about me even while they're saying nothing about me.

So, first stage of eliminating the Junk Food from my life will be no longer eating chocolate bars. But then I need to replace it with something else right? So maybe when I feel like a chocolate bar I have yoghurt? Sounds like something that I can do, something I can stick with.

To win back my life, I need to rid it of the Junk Food first. I'll figure the rest out along the way I suppose.

Till Next Time...

Freemasons

Today I went to, let me think, gotta get this right or my Dad will shoot me! The Installation of the new Grand Master of the United Grand Lodge of Mark Master Masons of Victoria; and I was actually allowed to sit in and watch the ceremony as it happened, which was amazing since I'm female. It was by ticket only and it was a unique look into the secret society that has been plagued with misrepresentation and such through history and movies alike.

The only really boring part is when you're sick, like me, and trying to stay awake while they bring in delegates from other grand lodges from other sections and chapters of the lodge. They all look amazing, some silly, but regal (one looked like the Pope) and I recognised a couple from movies, like the Knights Templar and such. Really the whole ordeal is a lot of fancy footwork, ritualistic readings, nothing sadistic or demeaning, simply recited, respectful use of language.

As you've probably guessed by now, my Father is a Master Mason. He's currently the Master of the Mark Lodge in Bendigo, Past-Master of the Bendigo Blue Lodge no. 714 and a member of a few other lodges that I can hardly keep up with them. So I'm a Mason's daughter, I'm referred to as such now that the knowledge that he was once in the ARMY is hidden behind his secret handshakes with people down the street and their closed door proceedings that until today were a mystery to me.

Once I figure out how to post pictures to this blog, I might attach some of the photos I took of today's proceedings for anyone interested.

I'd like this to be longer, but it's nearly 930pm and as mentioned, I'm sick, I've just been through 3hours of travel and 3.5hours of Freemasonary ceremony :)

So...

Till Next Time xx

Choices

Everyone has choices to make. Everyone is responsible for the choices they make. There is no handbook declaring which choices are going to be good or which are going to be bad. Your choices shape your life, or so I've been told. But how can you shape your life when you claim that you dont make any choices for yourself? You claim that everyone is guilting you, or forcing you to make these choices. If you think that even for a second, I say BULLSHIT, you're not only lying to yourself, you're creating monsters out of the people who care about you.

I know how damaging choices can be, we all do! No one is immune to making the wrong choice, no one can claim to have never made a mistake, because we all do. We're all human. Being human is about making mistakes, screwing up, fumbling around for that light switch and accidentally breaking the vase on your way through. Claiming to have no choice in what you do; is like saying you've gone through your entire life in a haze, arm behind your back, gun to your head forced into every decision you've ever made from being born to where you are now. That my friend, is denial. You're spending far too much time believing that you have no choice, you're fooling yourself and your the only one being fooled I'm afraid.

Everyone else sees you for who you are, loves you anyway and shouldn't care if you come or not, do that or don't. They are allowed to be upset when you say no, that is their choice. It's not their emotions that force you to go, it's not their use of the force compelling you to do something with them. That's just your excuse as to why you're doing it. Ultimately, your choices are your own. Ask yourself, wouldn't you rather be in charge instead of giving all that credit to outside forces?

Think about it. How often are you relinquishing the control of your life to another person because you don't want to face the consequences of your choice?

Sick Day

It's terrible you know, to start a blog or anything for that matter on a sour note, but unfortunately, I'm sick. Being sick isn't so bad all the time, it's simply the pathetic, weak feeling and the aching joints that really bug me.

But alas, here I am, starting my first official blog because I'm sick. Sick and bored :) Curled up on the couch watching all kinds of shows: Bones, NCIS, The Nanny Express and now Alice in Wonderland.

With the end of Alice in Wonderland rolling through the final scenes, I'll end my first blog, short and sweet as everyone loves a good speech.

Till Next Time.